


Filled With Regret and Missed Chances

by MyNameIsSam



Series: Marvel Cinematic Universe Prompts [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A hint of humor, Child Abuse, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, no happy ending, really really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:58:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5878525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyNameIsSam/pseuds/MyNameIsSam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony knew a lot of things. But really that goes without saying, seeing as <em>Hello, genius here.</em> The first thing Tony knew, without a doubt to be the truth would be that he would never have a happy ending. He knew what he was like, he talked too much, got distracted too easily, was too clingy. All of these things were bad qualities, hey he knows that. Sure he’s got money, but really, how much can you pay someone to stay with you forever? The second thing, was that his soulmate didn’t want him. Which just proved his point about no happy endings. The proof was written directly over his heart in bulky letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Filled With Regret and Missed Chances

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! So this fic is pretty depressing and dark. There is no happy ending here. I should post a happier story either this week or next week to balance the angst out.
> 
> *Update* Typos were fixed! I have no beta reader so I do it myself, sorry for the mistakes!
> 
> Also the Tony x Bucky Cop story (much happier than this one) is still being worked on. I will update as soon as I can, but life has been busy lately and there was no time to write.
> 
> Check bottom notes for more warnings about the story.

Tony knew a lot of things. But really that goes without saying, seeing as _Hello, genius here._ The first thing Tony knew, without a doubt to be the truth would be that he would never have a happy ending. He knew what he was like, he talked too much, got distracted too easily, was too clingy. All of these things were bad qualities, hey he knows that. Sure he’s got money, but really, how much can you pay someone to stay with you forever? The second thing, was that his soulmate didn’t want him. Which just proved his point about no happy endings. The proof was written directly over his heart in bulky letters.

**No. No.**

The first words his soulmate would say to him was no. By now it was a familiar ache in his chest. Tony remembers the first time he realized what the words written on his chest meant.

 

* * *

 

_Tony sits, reading his book, the one Jarvis had read him the night before. He turns the page, tracing the pictures of the various blueprints. Tony’s favorite books were ones that were useful. Tony frowns at the book, he knows that at his age, he should be reading something more advanced than this. He’s already_ four _. Feeling frustrated, he starts to close the book. His fingers catch on the edge, slicing through the skin. He flinches, sucking in a breath, and blinking back tears. Men don’t cry, he knows this, his dad told him and his dad knows_ everything. _There’s a crash from the right of Tony and he looks up wide eyed, his lip wobbling._

_Howard slouches against the archway to the large living room, and there’s a glass broken at his feet. Tony ducks his head, picking up the book to take to his room. He walks towards Howard, his small body tensing. Tony just has to get to his room then he will tell Jarvis that dad dropped a glass again. Jarvis always helps him. Maybe he’ll even give Tony a bandaid for the paper cut._

_Tony ducks his head, sometimes his dad doesn’t like it when Tony looks at him. He looks at the broken glass, glimmering with an amber liquid. Howard’s hand shoots out and grabs Tony by the collar of his shirt. He freezes, keeping his head down._

_“Were you about to cry?” Howard sneers._

_Tony doesn’t respond, afraid._

_Howard shakes him by the collar. “I asked you a question.”_

_“N-no sir.”_

_“Really?” Howard asks, casually. Without warning Howard grabs his hand on the papercut, squeezing. Tony cries out._

_“See,” Howard says, his breath stinking of something Tony doesn’t know the name of. “If you had just told the truth, we could have avoided this.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Tony begs. “I didn’t mean to lie.”_

_Howard pulls Tony’s collar down, pointing at the writing. Howard sneers at Tony. “Not even your soulmate wants you, because you’re weak.”_

_Tony shakes his head, Jarvis told him that his soulmate is made for him. Sure his words weren’t nice, but Jarvis said they were a misunderstanding._

_Howard slaps him. Tony whimpers, tears streaking down his face. “Now Tony, you shouldn’t lie to yourself. Say it.”_

_“My soulmate doesn’t want me, because I’m weak,” Tony mumbles, forcing it past his tears._

_Howard nods, satisfied._

_“What’s going on here?” Jarvis asks, his voice sharp. He’s standing in the other doorway and his face is scary. Tony wonders if Jarvis is mad at him too._

_“Absolutely nothing,” Howard slurs, dropping Tony. Tony whimpers, feeling the glass cut at his knees. Howard stumbles in the other direction, towards more of the amber liquid he’s always drinking. Jarvis hurries across the room towards Tony. He kneels down at Tony’s side, carefully picking him up. Tony makes a small noise of pain, his knees feel like they're on fire._

_“J-jarvis,” Tony hiccups. “Please don’t be mad at me too.”_

_“I’m not Tony,” Jarvis sooths. “Let’s clean up your knees.”_

_Tony stares at the bathroom wall blankly as Jarvis pulls a piece of glass out of his knee. Jarvis glances at him carefully._

_“Jarvis?” Tony whispers._

_“Yes, Tony?”_

_“Does my soulmate really not want me?”_

_Jarvis puts down the tweezers. “Why wouldn’t they want you Tony?”_

_“D-dad says I’m weak and that no one would want me.” Tony hiccups._

_Jarvis gently but firmly hugs him. “Anyone would be lucky to have you Tony. Your soulmate will be ecstatic to have you.”_

_Tony clung to him and cried._

_It wasn’t the first time Jarvis had to patch Tony up and it wouldn’t be the last._

* * *

 

The first time he had met Bucky he had just come up from a long science bender. His clothing was covered in grease and coffee stains. His face had met the same fate as his clothes. He might have also quite possibly drank more coffee than is recommended by doctors.

So really who can blame him when the first thing he said was. “Hey, Captain’s long lost one armed wonder! You look better without with leather.”

Bucky turned to him, his blue eyes wide. Before Tony had even finished speaking Bucky said, “No.” He shook his head frantically. “No.”

Tony’s heart stopped and he willfully held onto his coffee mug. White noise filled his ears. It could be a coincidence but Tony knew that Bucky was his soulmate. He felt it deep in his bones, a longing and sense that he belonged. But Bucky was staring at him like he was a fate worse than death. Tony’s heart cracked, another piece turned to stone. Seems his dear old dad had been right. His soulmate didn’t love him, _they didn’t even want him._

Tony tuned back into the world. Steve was giving both of them concerned looks.

Bucky was backing away. “I’m sorry- I just, I gotta go Steve. I’m sorry.” Steve reached towards him. Bucky turned and fled, from Tony and from what could have been. Tony stared after him, feeling himself crumble.

Steve moved and clasped Tony’s shoulder. “Tony?” Steve asked, concerned.

Tony forced the feelings eating at his chest down. He plastered on a smile. “Guess I was too much for him, huh? You should go after him Steve.”

Steve gripped Tony’s shoulder harder and searched his face, looking oddly stubborn. “How long have you been up?”

“Not too long,” Tony lied. “I just came up for some food.”

Steve released Tony’s shoulder but still looked at him with concern. “You sure you’re okay Tony? You don’t look so good. I don’t want you to wear yourself out.”

Tony had had lots of practice over the years lying about how he felt. But it had never been harder than under Steve’s concerned gaze. “Of course not Cap, I’ll be sure to get enough rest and food.” Tony flapped his hand in the direction Bucky went. “Now go find your damsel in distress.”

Steve gave Tony a quelling look but seemed relieved. “Thank you Tony, I’ll try to talk to him.” Steve frowned. “He shouldn’t react that way to you, you’re a great guy.”

Tony doubted that was true. He’d never had ‘great’ tacked onto his name. Not unless it was about a weapon he made. Steve gave Tony one last smile and jogged off after Bucky.

Tony stood in the living room with his shoulders slumped, feeling defeated. “Jarvis.”

“Yes, sir?” Jarvis asked quietly.

Tony walked into the kitchen and grabbed some quick food. He gulped down the rest of his coffee and grabbed whatever coffee was in the pot. “Open the lab back up, expect me to be in it for the next 48 hours.”

“Sir,” Jarvis started. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

Tony grimaced and stepped into the elevator. “Probably not, but I’m doing it anyway.”

Jarvis was quiet for a moment. “Yes, sir. Lab online for the next 48 hours.”

“Lockdown procedures, everyone. Disable Steve, Bruce, and Natasha’s codes. Even their emergency ones.” Tony walked out of the elevator and into his beautiful open lab.

“Sir?” Jarvis asked.

“Effective immediately, Jarvis,” Tony said firmly.

“Yes, sir.”

The lab doors closed and music came blasting from the speakers. Tony let it roll over him and picked up a blowtorch, ready to forget the events of the day.

 

* * *

 

Four weeks had past since Tony found out Bucky was his soulmate. Since then the universe had decided to bless Tony with the chance to see Bucky as often as possible. Not allowing him to avoid the problem. Almost everyday a new villain or creature had appeared to try to destroy the earth. Tony was sick of it. He just wanted to hide and avoid in piece, but _no_ he just had to face everything. At least there was a certain relief in shooting things with his blasters until they stopped moving. Something lunged at Tony, scrabbling on the armor.

Tony grabbed the alien-thing, as Clint had so aptly named it and threw it in the air, hitting it with a repulsor blast. The creature fell to the ground limp and lifeless. It’s body was that of the little green men the government had been hiding for years. The little green men that came to take organs and all that, not the E.T. version. Except, they were seven feet tall and strong as all hell. He craned his neck to look at Clint riding on the shoulders of The Hulk and shooting the alien-things.

“Another one bites the dust,” Clint sang gleefully. Clint shot another one and it fell to the ground. “And another one down, and another one down, another one bites the dust!” Clint shot an alien with each verse. Hulk grumbled from under him and it could be heard over Clint’s comms.

“Birdman go down if sing,” Hulk said.

“Awww, Hulk. No man, don’t ruin this for me,” Clint begged. “This is a dream come true!”

“No sing,” Hulk repeated stubbornly.

“Fine,” Clint sulked. “Take the fun out of everything.”

“Clint,” Steve said exasperatedly. “No chatter.”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Clint chirped.

Tony looked instinctively for Steve when he heard his voice. Of course Bucky wasn’t far from him. They were in the middle of the street and were redirecting the flow of aliens to Hulk and Clint. Both were fine and neither seemed even slightly bothered after fighting aliens for hours. Tony’s heart clenched as his eyes focused on Bucky. His hair was pulled back into a bun and his metal arm swung powerfully. His eyes were intensely focused, moving with Steve effortlessly. A mixed wave of relief and self-hatred filled him. Bucky didn’t want to be with Tony, he wouldn’t appreciate Tony looking after him. Tony shook his head, clearing the feelings from his mind. He was at battle, there wasn’t any room for distractions.

Tony redirected his energy to looking for his other teammates. He had a job to do. He had to protect them from above. He spotted a flash of bright red hair next to glowing blonde. Natasha and Thor were back to back, surrounded by a group of the alien-things. Tony narrowed his eyes and rose higher in the air. He flew over to them, shooting down aliens in his way.

He called out a warning to them over the comm. “Widow, Thor, Circus Roll of Death.”

Thor swung his hammer into the head of an alien and turned towards Natasha. Natasha rolled and jumped into his waiting arms. Thor knelt and jumped into the air, shooting up past Tony. Natasha turned in Thor’s hold and shot down as many as she could. Which of course, was a lot. Every bullet hit it's mark. Tony watched the aliens fall as he looked for something to stop them with. He spotted exactly what he needed and speed up. Tony flew close to the ground and grabbed onto the biggest piece of rubble he could find. He put more power into his repulsors and tugged hard on the rubble. It lifted into the air and Tony dropped it onto the waiting group of aliens.

“Man of Iron! You’re help was much appreciated,” Thor boomed.

Natasha gave him a nod of thanks, then moved her attention elsewhere. Tony gave them a thumbs up and took back to the sky, wanting a better vantage point. A warning flashed in front of his eyes and he flew towards the top of the building in front of him.

“I think I found the energy source,” Tony said. “I’m going to check it out.”

“Iron Man,” Steve ordered. “Wait for backup.”

“Yeah, no thanks Cap.” Tony dropped onto the top of the building.

“Iron Man, I repeat, wait for backup.”

“Already here Cap. Too little, too late.” Tony heard Steve curse over the line but decided to ignore it. He checked the building for warning signs. All the energy was focused on one point in the center of the building. Tony walked towards it, surveying the area. There was a blue force in the center and a red one surrounding that. They light was enclosed by a formation of rocks. Tony walked around it, looking for a pattern. Three yellow, two red, four blue. Repeating except for one green rock. Hm. Tony stared at the green rock in contemplation.

_Well._ Tony thought. _Here goes nothing._

Tony pulled the green rock free from the circle. He waited holding his breath for the light to pierce him or to explode. The light flicked three time and then went out slowly. Tony grinned.

“I closed the portal,” Tony told everyone proudly. The light flickered back to life again before fully dying and the remaining aliens began to scream.

Clint cursed over the comm. “This is not a pretty song.”

Tony took a few steps forward, wanting to see what was going on. He was stopped by something piercing through him and the armor. Tony froze, choking on his breath. He looked down and saw a long staff with a sharp blade at the end, protruding through the center of the armor. Blood was starting to poor from the wound and spread to match the crimson color of his armor. He inhaled wetly and his legs collapsed. He looked up dizzily at the furious creature standing over him. Apparently taking the green rock was the wrong thing to do in this guys book.

“Well,” Tony said on a wet laugh. “Not how I expected to go.”

“Iron Man?” Natasha asked. When he didn’t answer she asked more urgently, “Tony are you okay?”

_Huh,_ He thought. _Comm was still on._

“Actually, I’m feeling a little under the weather,” Tony said weakly. Black spots danced in his vision. "Think Fury would let me take a vacation?" Tall, mean, and green must have hit something pretty vital if Tony was losing blood this fast. His head lolled to the side. When did he lie down? Not important. Why was there shouting in his ear?

“Jarvis,” Tony whispered, his voice croaking. Tony licked his lips but his mouth felt unusually dry, even with the taste of blood in it.

“Sir?” Jarvis asked, sounding worried.

“Tell everyone I’m sorry.” Tony took a shallow breath, not wanting to open the wound any further with too deep a breath. “Everything goes between them, Rhodey, Pepper, and the Avengers. Just like we agreed.”

“Yes, sir,” Jarvis sounded remorseful.

“Thanks, J,” Tony put as much feeling as he could into his words. Nothing would ever encompass how grateful he was for the time he spent with everyone. But Jarvis was something special. Something that had never left Tony and had always believed in him.

“Always, sir.”

There was a loud shot and echo then suddenly the alien was lying next to him. It’s eyes were empty and staring into his. Tony tried to lift his head to see what had happened, but he couldn’t move it. He blinked blearily at the creature. It looked even creepier up close. Silver was leaking from their chest. Tony blinked at it, trying to understand.

Someone was saying something over him, they sounded panicked. Someone else answered them, their voice laced with authority. He couldn’t understand what they were saying, but they seemed to be arguing. Then someone else was holding his face, they were crying. Why were they crying?

“Tony,” Bucky begged. “Please Tony.”

Tony tried to focus on Bucky’s face. “Hey there.”

Bucky laughed wetly and pressed his forehead to Tony’s. “Tony, hold on. We’re getting you help.”

“You know, you’ve got very pretty eyes.”

Bucky tried to hold in a sob, but it ripped from his chest. “Tony, I need you to hold on.”

Tony tried to lift his hand to touch Bucky’s face. He just wanted to touch Bucky before the blackness took him. He would die happy then. His hand twitched weakly but wouldn’t move.

“No,” Bucky said, shaking his head furiously. “You’re not going to die.”

Oh, Tony must have spoke out loud. “It’s nice y’know? I thought I die alone in that cave, but instead I’m with my soulmate.”

Bucky was sobbing openly now, holding Tony’s body to his chest. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeated.

Tony smiled at him sorrowfully. “I’m sorry too.”

Bucky leaned forward and crushed his lips to Tony’s. It wasn’t a gentle kiss, it was a goodbye and despair made into a sweet touch. “Please Tony, stay with me. I’m sorry I was scared, I’m sorry. Please stay with me.”

“I can’t,” Tony whispered and he felt the darkness pull him under slowly. Black crept further over his vision until the world faded around him. Somewhere over him, he could hear Bucky screaming and sobbing brokenly over him as words written on his bicep faded to grey. Somewhere the team was trying to comfort an inconsolable Bucky and trying to put themselves back together. Somewhere they were trying to work around a gap shaped like Tony. Never fully healing but learning to survive without a necessary piece to make them work again.

Maybe even somewhere, far far away, Bucky and Tony were happy. This was not that somewhere. This somewhere was filled with regret and missed chances. This somewhere left Bucky broken and alone and Tony was gone forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Tony is extremely self hating throughout the story. He doesn't believe he's good enough for a soulmate and that is largely because of Howard. There is a scene in the story where abuse is shown though it is not extremely explicit. Tony is the character abused and he is four years old. The abuse shown is both physical and mental. Jarvis walks in on it and stops Howard before he can take it further. 
> 
> Skip from the first line break to the second if you want to avoid this.
> 
> Also I'll explain why Bucky said "No." When he first meets Tony. He doesn't believe he's good enough or ready to find his soulmate. So it was more just being scared of someone who could accept him forever.


End file.
